When I learned that being pretty was important

I write this week’s blog with a bit of a heavy heart, following this week’s news of the allegations about David Walliams. As such, the topic is a little more heavy than usual - please don’t feel bad if you’d prefer to skip this one 💜

There's so much to say about these cases, particularly about power, consent, and how women are treated. But one thing they've brought up for me personally is how the attention I received from men when I was young shaped my relationship with my body.

What attention from men taught teenage Rosie

Like many women, I have a long list of stories about men being pushy, overstepping lines, pursuing me when I was too young for them. I wasn’t “really mature for my age”: it was wrong. 

There’s a lot to unpack there (probably with my therapist - and don’t worry I’m not suddenly about to do an exposé on the men of South Derbyshire, circa 2001 😅) - but I am reflecting on how it contributed to how I see myself.

Looking back, I find it quite uncomfortable to acknowledge how much I enjoyed some of that attention. At the time, it made me feel grown-up, desirable, and important. I didn't recognise that some of those men were behaving in ways they absolutely shouldn't have been.

And I think that's part of what makes these messages so complicated to unpick. When you're repeatedly rewarded for being attractive, it's not surprising that you start to believe your appearance is one of the most important things about you.

Messages from all angles

Of course, this is just one of the many ways we learn what our bodies are supposedly worth. And I think when we start looking back at all these little messages, we realise just how many we've absorbed without even noticing.

Another common one tends to be things our family members said about our bodies, or their own bodies. I can still remember comments about weight and appearance from when I was growing up. They weren't necessarily directed at me, or intended to be hurtful, but they stuck with me. And I think that's the thing: we don't just learn from what people say about our bodies, we learn from how they talk about their own, too.

The other things that often stay with us are the unkind comments people made to us - like the older guy in the village who said “wow, she’s put on some timber” after my first year at uni, or the ex-boyfriend who said "yes I had noticed you'd gained weight, and I did prefer you before" (I was a size 12 at the time!)

But we learn to value our appearance not just through criticism, but also through praise, attention, approval - and the absence of those things. For example, someone commenting that you've gained weight is an obvious negative message. But being praised endlessly for being thin can teach you something just as powerful: that gaining weight would mean losing something valuable.

So it’s not surprising that so many of us struggle to accept our bodies. We've spent our lives being taught that our appearance is enormously important, and that our bodies are there to be judged and appraised by other people.

And when we're spending so much time worrying about how we look, that's time and energy we're not spending on all the other things that make us interesting, valuable human beings.

The first step is awareness

Sadly it’s not as simple as “wow now I know it’s bad, I don’t care about being thin and pretty anymore” - unfortunately unlearning a lifetime of messages is not that simple. It takes time, but the first step truly is awareness. 

I’ve done a lot of reflecting on all the messages which have influenced how I feel about my body. It’s really helped me to step back from negative body thoughts and think “Wow, that’s mean. Whose voice is that?” rather than simply accepting it as a truth. It’s helped me to reflect on why I so highly prized how I look - and to think about all the other things I want to value in myself above it. 

And lastly, it's helped me to have a huge amount of empathy for that attention-hungry teenager. She was just trying to feel valued, and she'd learned that being pretty was a really good way to get that validation.

I wish I could go back and tell her that she didn't need that attention to be worthy of love and admiration. That she was funny, clever, interesting, and had so much more to offer the world than how she looked. And that the men who made her feel otherwise were the ones who had it wrong, not her.

But mostly, I just want to give her a big hug 💜

If this week’s news has brought up difficult feelings and memories for you too - I’m sorry. Please take care, and seek support from those around you.

Take care,

Rosie x

P.S. My heart goes out to the women who have come forward with their experiences. Believe women 💜